Lets talk about this.
My baby died.
We lost her ONE day before her due date. Stillborn.
If you know me, this is not news to you. It has been six months and I have grown and learned so much from the experience. I have also learned that there are so very many mothers out there like me who have had miscarriages, stillbirths or infant loss. More than I ever imagined was possible. I never knew before because we don't talk about it. Period.
We stay quiet, fearing it will make others uncomfortable or feel awkward, knowing that no one knows what to say, so we don't put them in a position where they have to try.
Well, I don't really feel like being quiet anymore.
I have joined some in-person and online support groups (one lovely group even titled: Quietly United in Loss Together, Quietly...), and do you know what all the bereaved mothers want to do in these groups? They simply want to be free to openly remember their babies. It's beautiful. On Facebook, they will simply make posts of the meaningful dates and names of lost babies every day, just to see their baby's name, or share a few sentences from a mama who might just be having a particularly hard day, or just remembering aloud what little they can of their lost child.
Why do these things need a special, hidden place? Why can't we just grieve out loud, and remember out loud? I haven't actually checked, but I am pretty sure there is no Facebook group called "Quietly Grieving our Lost Parents." Because this is something that is out in the open. Everyone can relate to losing a parent or a sibling, so this is a topic we can freely talk about. Not everyone can relate to losing a child, but you would almost certainly be surprised if you knew just how many of your friends were silently suffering because of miscarriages, stillbirth or infant loss.
So here is the problem: no one knows what to say.
The bereaved mother doesn't know what to say for any number of reasons: she doesn't want to bring you down, she feels like there is an expectation of how she "should" be feeling, she doesn't want to seem weak, or she just doesn't know how to say what she may be feeling or thinking.
You don't know what to say for another number of reasons: you can't relate and don't want to say the wrong thing, you don't want her to feel like there is an expectation of how she "should" be feeling, you don't want to seem insensitive by not saying the right thing, and probably the biggest one: you simply don't want to bring it up and make her sad.
So, that said, here are some things you can do for a friend who has suffered the loss of a baby:
-Bring it up if it feels right. Chances are, yes it will make her sad, but remember that YOU didn't make her sad, YOU gave her a chance to remember her baby. The sadness is always bubbling near the surface. If you are afraid of bringing about a full-blown torrent of emotion with sobbing and wet shoulders, you can probably chill out a little. Most of the time, we have worked through it enough to function without these breakdowns. BUT if it does happen (and it can), then chances are she needed it to happen. It will be cleansing and healing, and you will be the better friend for being there to bring it about.
Bringing it up can be hard because you may not even know how, but think of it in the same way you would bring up any lost loved one. Just remember with her: "Remember how you had such crazy dreams when you were pregnant with (name of lost baby)?" Or, "I know how much you loved her curly hair, even though she was so tiny." Saying the baby's name out loud, or just acknowledging the baby's existence helps her know that she is not the only one who felt the realness of that pregnancy, the realness of that baby.
-Share any mementos or keepsakes you may have of her baby. She probably does not have many physical memories of her baby, and any little thing, no matter how insignificant it may seem can be so special. If you had bought the baby a gift in anticipation of his/her arrival, then didn't give it because the baby was lost, give it to the grieving family. It will be a token they can keep forever and cherish, and it will be cherished. If you come across a picture of your friend pregnant with the baby she lost, make a print and give it to her, she may not have many photos like it and will enjoy having one more memory. If you have nothing already but want to give a keepsake, there are loads of great ideas floating around out there: necklaces and keychains with various engravings, Christmas ornaments, quilts/stitching/crafting projects with baby's name, prayers/prayer flags, etc. you can always check the Internet for inspiration, there are so many lovely ideas...
 |
| This is the ONE photo I have of my pregnancy with Rowan. Only one, and I will forever cherish it. |
- Be honest and open. Say what you are thinking, and ask if you are unsure. Every person handles grief differently. If you want to say something to your friend but don't know how, ask. She will appreciate the openness.
- Don't treat her differently than you would have before, or if she had been stricken with some other kind of tragedy. She doesn't want to feel like a different person (or an outsider), she wants to feel like the same person who is getting a different kind of support.
So, here is where I say that this is only my opinion based on my experiences. I can't speak for all grieving mothers, but I am taking a guess that many would feel the same. And this obviously omits grieving fathers. Their loss is just as profound, but they experience it in a way that I can't understand. My husband is amazing, and I know he suffered greatly when we lost our daughter, but I also know that most of these things wouldn't apply to him. So Dads, its up to you if you want to get the word out on how you handle your grief.
I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone but me as I try this one more thing to heal my own broken heart. If you have read this far, then I thank you for giving me your time, and for learning a little bit more about me and how you can help - hopefully not just me but all the grieving mothers you know.
I spent so much time not talking about my daughter when I lost her that now almost nine years later when I bring her up I worry that people think I am just seeking attention. I went through some of the same roller coaster experiences though when it first happened, and for me it was such an early loss that I figured no one would understand. My aunt lost a son at four years old, how could me losing a baby in the womb compare to her losing someone she spent four years loving and caring for, and that is just it something that has taken almost nine years for me to learn we don't have to "compare" our loss that it's not a matter of time. It doesn't take four years to love your child I fell in love with my child the moment I found out I was pregnant and I imagine that it is the same for a lot of Mom's. Thank you for sharing this with us, and God Bless.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story Rachel. Indeed it is tempting to "compare" losses, but in the end a child lost is a child lost. We give all of our love to that baby the moment we know they are coming into this world. There are only variations on the suffering, and indeed we are all suffering. There is also no time limit, which I think everyone would understand if they only knew. I think if everyone knew how our process of grieving worked, it would be received with love. Love to you and your daughter <3
DeleteChristina, thank you for sharing this. It's so awesome that you took the time to write this blog. I know there are many mothers who will appreciate it - ones who have lost children and ones who have not.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenna, that is my hope :)
ReplyDeleteYou may think its just your opinion or that you are not speaking for all.....but it sure seems to me you used every word, every thought I've ever had in the last 16 yrs since saying goodbye to my daughter.
ReplyDeleteI will forever appreciate your words: "Most of the time, we have worked through it enough to function without these breakdowns. BUT if it does happen (and it can), then chances are she needed it to happen."
I have to remind myself of it just the same.
Thanks for sharing. I miscarried our son at 18 weeks. Just 4 weeks after my water broke. I consider every day that he continued to live a miracle. I am finding now that almost 3 months later, I am really missing his movements. I am also really wanting to share with others about my wonderful little one. I want to show off his picture and I want him to be real to everyone around me. But I know that most people would have a hard time looking at his pictures because at just 18 weeks their skin is still transparent.
ReplyDeleteI miss my little Robert but I know I will see him again in Heaven.
I had a late-term pregnancy loss many years ago. There were fewer organized avenues of support then. And, as a private person, I did not pursue joining a group. The blessing that surfaced from this crisis in my life was the number of male colleagues at work who came to me to talk about their pregnancy losses. My situation could have been one of only a few opportunities where they could unburden themselves. I was surprised and touched. And, I felt blessed by the high level of support that I received.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss, Christina. I suffered a loss 23 years ago, and still recall the ordeal with some pain. My heart goes out to you. Know that generations of women who share your loss are connected to you spiritually and in sisterhood.
ReplyDeleteI love the name Rowan, by the way. I know a special girl with that name. Your love for your Rowan speaks through your words, as well as the photograph. Much love to you, my cyber sister.